In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
