I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
do herpes really smell.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
