I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
