Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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