I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
