I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize