I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
