she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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