just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
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