You don't have asthma, your pregnant
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
