Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
