Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize