Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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