life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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