I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
