ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
