The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
