Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
