soooo we both peed the bed last night...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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