Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
