soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
