My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
