Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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