I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
