Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
