he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
