I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
