I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize