Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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