If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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