if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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