This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
