I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Randomize
