so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
