Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
What a dumb baby whore.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
