So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
