i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
