I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I think my vagina is haunted
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
