I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
