I just threw up on my dentist
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
