she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
