Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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