I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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