Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
