One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
