wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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