Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
