JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
