you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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