you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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