Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
