She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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