did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
