I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
