Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
