JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
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