took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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