Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
