When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
