Do you still have your period?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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